An Open Letter to the Girl I Used to Know

Let this be the last time I will write about you. I strongly wish I could swear that. You are the last string attached to my past which I long to get rid of for quite some time now. Yet I continuously battle to keep you all these years for I thought you are different. I thought you are worth it.

But I guess what I’ve always been thinking was as untrue as the bond of friendship you said you had with me. Regardless of our shortcomings and the dispute we always have, we manage to get back together coz we thought we’re inseparable. That we could be against all odds and our friendship is stronger than any challenge that may face us.

Yet again, I was wrong. I have seen the worst in you with the way you treat others behind their backs. You’re such a sweet thing and your charms could attract any individual who comes your way. Even I was captivated with how smart you talk which can make anyone believe every word you say. I admire you for that with all honesty. Nevertheless, that same attribute of yours deceived me in believing that I was with a good and trustworthy company.

Your actions and badmouthing towards others grow my fears that one day I might be in their shoes, taking all your dramas, being misunderstood by others because you tell them stories of you being victimized by every individual that does not please you. Not even once have I heard you that you’re at fault with all your misfortunes. It’s always somebody else’s fault. You feed me with stories of people mistreating you, aggravating you, oppressing you or stories that could simply tell how horrible of a person they are. However, as time pass by I have come to realized that all these words coming out of your mouth are only a reflection of what you really are, or should I say what you have become.

Still, I held on. I set these thoughts aside for a moment because my love for you was stronger than all my fears. You are a sister to me and I can’t easily give up on that.

Ironically, you are as good at drawing people away from you just as how good you are in luring them in. Sometimes you do not recognize the care and concern of others towards you, because you were blinded by your judgements and negative presumptions of people’s intentions.

You always say I am selfish, I am insensitive, stubborn and inconsiderate of others’ feelings. You’re slapping me with all my flaws whenever you have a chance thinking that it is a gesture of concern. And I accepted that for I though it’s pure only to find out in the end that all these were intended to conceal your own insecurities. You clearly know how I value my privacy and how secluded of a person I am, but you’re like a time bomb that explodes all of a sudden who uses all my enigmas and fears against me. It’s all true that not everyone you cherish, cherishes you back.

Despite all these, I will try with all my might to only think of the good things I’ve had with you when people speak about you. I won’t waste even a minuscule of my time and efforts telling everyone how atrocious you’ve become just to gain their sympathy. I would burn our bridges in the most silent way I could so as not to make your image anymore pitiful than it already is. I won’t go down your level and do the things you do towards me for vengeance because in the end, what dominates my heart is the memory of the “BESTEST FRIEND” I used to know. Even it has to come on its tragic and most awful ending, I’d always value and give the respect due in our friendship whether you’re deserving or not.

I hope time will come, you’ll get to your senses and ponder if the people who left you are really the ones to blame. With all sincerity, I wish you genuine happiness and may you find peace in your heart with the new people you’ll meet. May you also find another friend who won’t give up on you like I do. I apologize if I could no longer tolerate and stay by your side like I did throughout these years. Sorry if this time, I will give myself a chance to heal. Remember, you’re still a good person, you are beautiful no matter what. Please don’t be blinded and clouded by the negativity you’re living with just as how am continuously battling with mine. Worry not, for your secrets are safe with me forever. Thank you for the roller coaster ride. May we both forget the pain that this journey had caused us in time. SAYONARA!

 

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I’m fucked up.

I’m a mess.

I’m an explosion of unspoken insanity.

I’m the unpredictable piece of trouble.

I wanna run.

I wanna cry.

I wanna loath with all my fears… my doubts… my loneliness.

I just wanna disappear into thin air.

Take me.

Rebirth

I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.

Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.

I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.

A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.

He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.

These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.

This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.

It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.

Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.

And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)

 

Mehhh?

I’m a walking drama enclosed in mystery
One hot mess that most might be challenged to have but once unravel will just get rid of immediately.

Am starting to think that am the irony of everything
The more am persuaded and accepted the more I tend to push and run away
The more rejection, denies and abandonment, the more my soul craves for the agonizing feels it gives.
It seems I got used of the pain, rather am addicted to it, making me long for my regular fix.
That even I’ve got a way of avoiding complications, i run towards it to get my share of misery.

That an enticing offer of stability handed over to me in a silver platter makes me want not to take it for I fear of the hope it brings for salvation might shatter right in front of me.

How could I ever be the normal They could ever hope for when am deranged enough to be wrapped in doubts, insecurities, fears and madness.

I could never be someone has ever hoped for. Am just a twisted lad wanting to be loved even if I am afraid to. Wanted to be accepted when I cant even accept myself. Longing for affection I cant even offer. Waiting for a person who’ll stay no matter what even if I already stopped and surrender long before.

So tell me, who could ever stand a lady who’s a paradox of her own nature?

Labi

sa tuwing mag-aaway kayo
sana maisip mo ako
maalala aking pagdududa
sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo
 
kapag sinigawan ka nya
boses ko ba’y matunog pa?
nanginginig sa galit sa pagdidiin
ng mga kasalanang tinatanggi mo pa
 
sa tuwing iiyak sya
alalahanin mo’ng aking mata
maga sa rumaragasang luha
tuwing nanaisin kong humiwalay na
 
kapag yumakap sya
dama mo pa ba?
mga kamay kong nakabalot sayo
sa tuwing sasabihin mong “Patawad na.”
 
sa bawat halik nyo sa isat isa
malasahan mo pa rin sana
mga labi kong walang ibang sinambit noon
kung hindi “Mahal pa rin kita.”
 
at ngayong nakangiti ka na
masayang masaya sa piling nya
iwan mo ang lahat ng aking bakas
pagkat tanggap ko, ito na ang wakas.

” I “

Give me a few to mourn for this
Let me dwell on its piercing pain
My make believes are over now
Striken hard and deep by our remains

There were never true on the concept of me and you
For when you’re in my comforting arms
Drawing blueprints of my fall
You’ve blinded me with promising lies
That you’ll be constant when all else won’t

Resistant, yet I fall
I lost our own battle
I lost my own
I lost me
I lost
And what’s always left?
” I “

VOID

I’m tired. So tired of breathing.
Waking up so purposeless as if living is only an obligation I have to keep up with.
Working my ass up to earn so little satisfying a portion of what I thought is making me temporarily happy. Forcing to cherish lil victories of hardship which I never enjoyed making. Though I learned a lot yet this learning doesn’t exactly fill my thirst for the wisdom i yearned to have.

I may be considered one damn lucky ungrateful bitch, having the life which some may be wishing. Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful. I pray and talk to HIM filled with gratitude with the life that I have. The life I don’t deserve yet is granted to me with extras I don’t want yet need anyway.

But despite of being so blessed, all I could do is sigh the shit out of my self thinking “This ain’t the life I want.” For years I’ve been living in the shadows of what THEY think is good for me. What THEY know will make my life better. Which made me grow up always thinking what is beneficiary for THEM. I settled for what’s convenient instead of the things that truly satisfy my soul and my desires. I live the life of considering what others might say, and I learned the hacks of avoiding such circumstances where I have to explain myself to anyone.
All this time, I’m used of wearing the disguise of mediocrity on which it has slowly sink into my skin gradually losing my very own skin which am comfortable with. I’m becoming so good flashing remarkable smiles of happiness, glowing on someone else’s light while my own light is dying inside of me, embraced by the cold of darkness which has become my new comfort.

I’m empty. I joyfully lived my life which has been dead for a long time now.
I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of working for to repay the goodness people have done for me which I never really ask for.
I never ask for this life, yet am given.
I just wanna stop thinking, worrying and… living.
I just want everything to stop.
Cause nothing of me is left. I have nothing to offer.