I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.
Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.
I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.
A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.
He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.
These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.
This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.
It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.
Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.
And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)