Rebirth

I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.

Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.

I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.

A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.

He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.

These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.

This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.

It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.

Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.

And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)

 

PART1: First Phase

All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.

I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.

I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.

I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.

Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA). 

Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.

But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.

It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated  for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.

My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.

Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.

Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.

” TO BE CONTINUED *

UNAPPRECIATED BEAUTY

What are your standards for beauty?  What made you say a person is beautiful?

People seem to set different standards, basis and definition for the word beauty.

But let me ask you, what makes you feel beautiful?

White skin? Cute bright eyes? 36-24-36 vital stats? Pointed nose? Big boobs and bumps?

If you have all or most of these qualities then you are the girl of every man’s dreams. Basically the talk of town, envied by many, the target of adoration and praises. the one who has all the good qualities of an individual in the eyes of many. The lucky one who get the title BEAUTIFUL.

But you know what? That’s 80% bullshit and 20% fact! All of us have lowered the standards of true BEAUTY.
We often just look what’s on the surface and we always forget to assess what lies underneath.

We look down on people who are not given with physical attributes which we believe are perfect without even considering that some of these people are far more intelligent than us.

We bully those people who are fat because we idolize those skinny models we see on TV not knowing that some of these people are the reason behind a successful fashion show with a great production.

We degrade those people with disabilities and feel pity for them and yet we don’t recognize their talents and achievements on sports and other craft. They even manage to be better than those who doesn’t have disabilities.

We tend to judge these people without looking at the beauty in their individuality. We are overwhelmed with physical beauty making us blind with inner beauty which is the main component of what we really should be.

We love to imitate beautiful girls who has no brains, who does slutty things, who wasted their lives on vices and those who are considered to be good-for-nothing-bitches. We don’t seem to appreciate people who possess the true beauty an individual should have.

We are so much deceive that we even tend to change ourselves and pretend to be someone we’re not.

REAL BEAUTY really comes from within and just slightly enhanced by our outer cover. We should not go with the flow of what is usual and wrongly believed.

STAND UP AND BE YOURSELF!

No body would believe that you are beautiful unless you believe it yourself. It’s not bad to be different for as long as you have the confidence. Don’t look on what’s lacking in you, instead make the best out of what you’ve got!

SILENCE

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Would you agree if I say SILENCE is more deafening than loudness?

It’s ironic (I know) but in my case, that’s how I feel most of the time.

Silence is filled with uncertainties, doubt, fear and unknown expectations. It often strikes you and leaves you with random thoughts in your head making it hard for you to figure out what the hell is the commotion.

In some cases, silence doesn’t always mean YES. It can also be a disapproval which can’t be blurted out or maybe a plain unsure decision that needed time to be processed.

Silence doesn’t always mean serenity and peace. It can be a deception of secrets and danger hidden underneath. It may serves as a traitor that stabs you behind once you find comfort with it.

I don’t accept silence as an answer in every question I made in life. It gives me contradicting thoughts that worsen my perception about a certain situation. It doesn’t give me clarity as to where I stand and confused me with the boundaries between what I choose to believe and what I have to believe.

Silence gives me endless possibilities of answers. It’s a barrier between words left unspoken where even the most obvious facts can be doubted for their realness. I often despise silence even though it’s my only escape to the loud sound of pain.

“Though the deaf can feel and see the truth in front of them, they still tend to second thought for the reason of not hearing what they believe is true.”