An Open Letter to the Girl I Used to Know

Let this be the last time I will write about you. I strongly wish I could swear that. You are the last string attached to my past which I long to get rid of for quite some time now. Yet I continuously battle to keep you all these years for I thought you are different. I thought you are worth it.

But I guess what I’ve always been thinking was as untrue as the bond of friendship you said you had with me. Regardless of our shortcomings and the dispute we always have, we manage to get back together coz we thought we’re inseparable. That we could be against all odds and our friendship is stronger than any challenge that may face us.

Yet again, I was wrong. I have seen the worst in you with the way you treat others behind their backs. You’re such a sweet thing and your charms could attract any individual who comes your way. Even I was captivated with how smart you talk which can make anyone believe every word you say. I admire you for that with all honesty. Nevertheless, that same attribute of yours deceived me in believing that I was with a good and trustworthy company.

Your actions and badmouthing towards others grow my fears that one day I might be in their shoes, taking all your dramas, being misunderstood by others because you tell them stories of you being victimized by every individual that does not please you. Not even once have I heard you that you’re at fault with all your misfortunes. It’s always somebody else’s fault. You feed me with stories of people mistreating you, aggravating you, oppressing you or stories that could simply tell how horrible of a person they are. However, as time pass by I have come to realized that all these words coming out of your mouth are only a reflection of what you really are, or should I say what you have become.

Still, I held on. I set these thoughts aside for a moment because my love for you was stronger than all my fears. You are a sister to me and I can’t easily give up on that.

Ironically, you are as good at drawing people away from you just as how good you are in luring them in. Sometimes you do not recognize the care and concern of others towards you, because you were blinded by your judgements and negative presumptions of people’s intentions.

You always say I am selfish, I am insensitive, stubborn and inconsiderate of others’ feelings. You’re slapping me with all my flaws whenever you have a chance thinking that it is a gesture of concern. And I accepted that for I though it’s pure only to find out in the end that all these were intended to conceal your own insecurities. You clearly know how I value my privacy and how secluded of a person I am, but you’re like a time bomb that explodes all of a sudden who uses all my enigmas and fears against me. It’s all true that not everyone you cherish, cherishes you back.

Despite all these, I will try with all my might to only think of the good things I’ve had with you when people speak about you. I won’t waste even a minuscule of my time and efforts telling everyone how atrocious you’ve become just to gain their sympathy. I would burn our bridges in the most silent way I could so as not to make your image anymore pitiful than it already is. I won’t go down your level and do the things you do towards me for vengeance because in the end, what dominates my heart is the memory of the “BESTEST FRIEND” I used to know. Even it has to come on its tragic and most awful ending, I’d always value and give the respect due in our friendship whether you’re deserving or not.

I hope time will come, you’ll get to your senses and ponder if the people who left you are really the ones to blame. With all sincerity, I wish you genuine happiness and may you find peace in your heart with the new people you’ll meet. May you also find another friend who won’t give up on you like I do. I apologize if I could no longer tolerate and stay by your side like I did throughout these years. Sorry if this time, I will give myself a chance to heal. Remember, you’re still a good person, you are beautiful no matter what. Please don’t be blinded and clouded by the negativity you’re living with just as how am continuously battling with mine. Worry not, for your secrets are safe with me forever. Thank you for the roller coaster ride. May we both forget the pain that this journey had caused us in time. SAYONARA!

 

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Rebirth

I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.

Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.

I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.

A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.

He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.

These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.

This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.

It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.

Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.

And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)

 

PART1: First Phase

All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.

I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.

I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.

I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.

Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA). 

Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.

But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.

It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated  for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.

My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.

Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.

Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.

” TO BE CONTINUED *

UNAPPRECIATED BEAUTY

What are your standards for beauty?  What made you say a person is beautiful?

People seem to set different standards, basis and definition for the word beauty.

But let me ask you, what makes you feel beautiful?

White skin? Cute bright eyes? 36-24-36 vital stats? Pointed nose? Big boobs and bumps?

If you have all or most of these qualities then you are the girl of every man’s dreams. Basically the talk of town, envied by many, the target of adoration and praises. the one who has all the good qualities of an individual in the eyes of many. The lucky one who get the title BEAUTIFUL.

But you know what? That’s 80% bullshit and 20% fact! All of us have lowered the standards of true BEAUTY.
We often just look what’s on the surface and we always forget to assess what lies underneath.

We look down on people who are not given with physical attributes which we believe are perfect without even considering that some of these people are far more intelligent than us.

We bully those people who are fat because we idolize those skinny models we see on TV not knowing that some of these people are the reason behind a successful fashion show with a great production.

We degrade those people with disabilities and feel pity for them and yet we don’t recognize their talents and achievements on sports and other craft. They even manage to be better than those who doesn’t have disabilities.

We tend to judge these people without looking at the beauty in their individuality. We are overwhelmed with physical beauty making us blind with inner beauty which is the main component of what we really should be.

We love to imitate beautiful girls who has no brains, who does slutty things, who wasted their lives on vices and those who are considered to be good-for-nothing-bitches. We don’t seem to appreciate people who possess the true beauty an individual should have.

We are so much deceive that we even tend to change ourselves and pretend to be someone we’re not.

REAL BEAUTY really comes from within and just slightly enhanced by our outer cover. We should not go with the flow of what is usual and wrongly believed.

STAND UP AND BE YOURSELF!

No body would believe that you are beautiful unless you believe it yourself. It’s not bad to be different for as long as you have the confidence. Don’t look on what’s lacking in you, instead make the best out of what you’ve got!

SILENCE

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Would you agree if I say SILENCE is more deafening than loudness?

It’s ironic (I know) but in my case, that’s how I feel most of the time.

Silence is filled with uncertainties, doubt, fear and unknown expectations. It often strikes you and leaves you with random thoughts in your head making it hard for you to figure out what the hell is the commotion.

In some cases, silence doesn’t always mean YES. It can also be a disapproval which can’t be blurted out or maybe a plain unsure decision that needed time to be processed.

Silence doesn’t always mean serenity and peace. It can be a deception of secrets and danger hidden underneath. It may serves as a traitor that stabs you behind once you find comfort with it.

I don’t accept silence as an answer in every question I made in life. It gives me contradicting thoughts that worsen my perception about a certain situation. It doesn’t give me clarity as to where I stand and confused me with the boundaries between what I choose to believe and what I have to believe.

Silence gives me endless possibilities of answers. It’s a barrier between words left unspoken where even the most obvious facts can be doubted for their realness. I often despise silence even though it’s my only escape to the loud sound of pain.

“Though the deaf can feel and see the truth in front of them, they still tend to second thought for the reason of not hearing what they believe is true.”