I’m fucked up.

I’m a mess.

I’m an explosion of unspoken insanity.

I’m the unpredictable piece of trouble.

I wanna run.

I wanna cry.

I wanna loath with all my fears… my doubts… my loneliness.

I just wanna disappear into thin air.

Take me.

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Mehhh?

I’m a walking drama enclosed in mystery
One hot mess that most might be challenged to have but once unravel will just get rid of immediately.

Am starting to think that am the irony of everything
The more am persuaded and accepted the more I tend to push and run away
The more rejection, denies and abandonment, the more my soul craves for the agonizing feels it gives.
It seems I got used of the pain, rather am addicted to it, making me long for my regular fix.
That even I’ve got a way of avoiding complications, i run towards it to get my share of misery.

That an enticing offer of stability handed over to me in a silver platter makes me want not to take it for I fear of the hope it brings for salvation might shatter right in front of me.

How could I ever be the normal They could ever hope for when am deranged enough to be wrapped in doubts, insecurities, fears and madness.

I could never be someone has ever hoped for. Am just a twisted lad wanting to be loved even if I am afraid to. Wanted to be accepted when I cant even accept myself. Longing for affection I cant even offer. Waiting for a person who’ll stay no matter what even if I already stopped and surrender long before.

So tell me, who could ever stand a lady who’s a paradox of her own nature?

Labi

sa tuwing mag-aaway kayo
sana maisip mo ako
maalala aking pagdududa
sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo
 
kapag sinigawan ka nya
boses ko ba’y matunog pa?
nanginginig sa galit sa pagdidiin
ng mga kasalanang tinatanggi mo pa
 
sa tuwing iiyak sya
alalahanin mo’ng aking mata
maga sa rumaragasang luha
tuwing nanaisin kong humiwalay na
 
kapag yumakap sya
dama mo pa ba?
mga kamay kong nakabalot sayo
sa tuwing sasabihin mong “Patawad na.”
 
sa bawat halik nyo sa isat isa
malasahan mo pa rin sana
mga labi kong walang ibang sinambit noon
kung hindi “Mahal pa rin kita.”
 
at ngayong nakangiti ka na
masayang masaya sa piling nya
iwan mo ang lahat ng aking bakas
pagkat tanggap ko, ito na ang wakas.

” I “

Give me a few to mourn for this
Let me dwell on its piercing pain
My make believes are over now
Striken hard and deep by our remains

There were never true on the concept of me and you
For when you’re in my comforting arms
Drawing blueprints of my fall
You’ve blinded me with promising lies
That you’ll be constant when all else won’t

Resistant, yet I fall
I lost our own battle
I lost my own
I lost me
I lost
And what’s always left?
” I “

VOID

I’m tired. So tired of breathing.
Waking up so purposeless as if living is only an obligation I have to keep up with.
Working my ass up to earn so little satisfying a portion of what I thought is making me temporarily happy. Forcing to cherish lil victories of hardship which I never enjoyed making. Though I learned a lot yet this learning doesn’t exactly fill my thirst for the wisdom i yearned to have.

I may be considered one damn lucky ungrateful bitch, having the life which some may be wishing. Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful. I pray and talk to HIM filled with gratitude with the life that I have. The life I don’t deserve yet is granted to me with extras I don’t want yet need anyway.

But despite of being so blessed, all I could do is sigh the shit out of my self thinking “This ain’t the life I want.” For years I’ve been living in the shadows of what THEY think is good for me. What THEY know will make my life better. Which made me grow up always thinking what is beneficiary for THEM. I settled for what’s convenient instead of the things that truly satisfy my soul and my desires. I live the life of considering what others might say, and I learned the hacks of avoiding such circumstances where I have to explain myself to anyone.
All this time, I’m used of wearing the disguise of mediocrity on which it has slowly sink into my skin gradually losing my very own skin which am comfortable with. I’m becoming so good flashing remarkable smiles of happiness, glowing on someone else’s light while my own light is dying inside of me, embraced by the cold of darkness which has become my new comfort.

I’m empty. I joyfully lived my life which has been dead for a long time now.
I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of working for to repay the goodness people have done for me which I never really ask for.
I never ask for this life, yet am given.
I just wanna stop thinking, worrying and… living.
I just want everything to stop.
Cause nothing of me is left. I have nothing to offer.

Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

#Calligraphy_01

1

GOOD MORNING 🙂

Way to start my mornings by having pens in my hand

writing randoms stuffs on my sketch pad’s empty pages..

Wishing more awesome pens, markers and stationery to come on my birthday!

(Tho’ only few knew when.. LOL)

HAPPY FEBRUARY! ❤