Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

Advertisements

#Calligraphy_01

1

GOOD MORNING 🙂

Way to start my mornings by having pens in my hand

writing randoms stuffs on my sketch pad’s empty pages..

Wishing more awesome pens, markers and stationery to come on my birthday!

(Tho’ only few knew when.. LOL)

HAPPY FEBRUARY! ❤

Misunderstood

I’m as bitter as coffee, damn so cold as ice
Most think that am naughty, well believe me am nice
I act beyond normal and do as I pleased
but am controlled by my loved ones, am never at ease
 
Most days I’m quiet, I’d never say a word
Locked down on my dungeon, have no one to hold
Got no problems my dear am just used that way
Don’t panic, don’t worry. Rest assured am okay.
 
I do feel depressed, most days of my life
That downing feeling made me hold a knife
However, just like any other, emotions do change
An episode just pass by, that’s just another page
 
When nobody seems to understand me
My anger, fears, sadness and joys are set free
All these are divulge through writing and poems
Words, music, solitude and arts serves as my drones
 
Unpredictable, weird, loner and snob
Just some of the words they think bout you of
Questioning day in and out, and sometimes made you cry
“Is enjoying ones solitude is really some crime?”
 
T’was never easy to be misunderstood
You can’t seem to portray what you really should
At the end of the day, what matter is “YOU”
Don’t care about “them” for you know what’s true

Let Me Take You to The Bright Side

All this time they think they know you

Stab you not just once nor twice

Put all their might just to break you

To see you suffer is their dear prize

While your eyes wide shut form their hatred

They’re covered with impatience for your fall

Harassed with discouragement, left you naked

Cast cursing, loathe around your walls

Just so they know they’re winning

You throw your saving grace

What’s kept inside your flaming heart

Unleashed  on an enlighting fast phase

Forgiveness, understanding and self-control

That’s all what they deserve

For all their hearts covered in envy and scorn

Let salvation run through their nerves

This is for all the people who like to see you down. Don’t let them pull you. Let’s spread our arms and save them from their sorrow 🙂

Emotions

Emotions are controlled they say.
And I’d like to believe that in some way.
The rage of anger, the attack of fear
Outbursting joy, and endless tears
But how could you contain such force
That somehow needs be released
which demanded so loudly to be felt and..
requires acknowledgment at least
Who would want to keep the joy
that a soul’s been longing for?
Or pull back the pain that pours down
from the eyes that’re tired once more?
How can you stop the fury
That you’ve been battling within you?
When your sanity is the price
if it ain’t set loose on due
Would you just ignore the terror
that haunts you everyday?
Left you in turmoil with sleepless night
Do you think that’s just okay?
As much as we would like to believe
that emotions could be controlled
there are things that are inevitable
and deserves to be unfold.

SOMEONE

I am flawed and sometimes insecurity strikes me and I accept that part of myself. I’m an epitome of madness, irony and unpredictability but I learned to deal with that even if sometimes I get stuck in confusion.. I’m beautiful despite of judgmental eyes around me and am pretty much aware of that.. I could pay my bills, eat a sumptuous meal in any resto in town, have a trip and go shopping at my own expense all by myself and enjoy every minute of it.. I can break, get hurt, feel down and stood up after a tiring night of heavy cries and wake up smiling while telling myself “life goes on.”

 

I can do pretty much everything on my own. Like I was born to be living this way and I have no complains with that. I have been self sufficient even at a young age, in school, at home, at work almost anytime… anywhere.

 

But when you once felt how it is like to be with someone or having someone to share anything in you life with, that’s the time you somehow feel doubting your so-called “self-sufficiency.”

Makes you think:

 

* It’s not that bad, having someone who weirdly loves your flaws. Squeeze in every fat in you like its a fluffy ball of happiness. See you with no makeup, your hair all messed-up with your loose ragged shirt from the other day and still thinks you’re the most beautiful creature ever created (aside from his mother). Letting you forget that the word “insecurity” ever existed.

* How comforting its is having someone patiently stays with you while throwing your big tantrums and your nerve wrecking emotional episodes. Who sees your unpredictable personality a challenge and not a reason to walk away. That even at the toughest and craziest day of yours, he’ll just wrap you around his arms until all the stir-ups melt away.

* You’re miss independent yet you’re being spoiled with the little efforts and thoughtful act of someone who cares. Buying you presents which you don’t necessarily need but he thinks you deserve coz you work so hard. Surprising you with a movie date, a cozy dinner at a nearby food cart and long walk home. Picks you up from work whenever he can even if you could walk yourself home coz for him, every second spent with you is what makes him happy.

* How nice it is having a someone whom you could share your secrets with, you could laugh with, cry with and someone whom you could be weird with. Where you could be yourself anytime of the day without minding what he might think of you after you farted so loud beside him. How you could dance your insanely dope moves and joins with you reluctantly. How you could cry your f’ing ass out when you felt tired from all the pressures at work and bring you ice cream after just to make your day.

 

We could try to be the most independent person that we are and survive everyday of our lives, but honestly, it is so much nicer, lighter, comforting and somehow…

happier…abrac3a7-ombraweb.jpg

having someone you could share your whole life with especially without the fear of being left alone back to the usual “independent” you =). It takes time. It may come and go. But the mere thought of it gives you the slightest hope that maybe, sometime, somewhere in you destined fate, you may meet someone who will make you realize that having someone is not a bad idea at all.

It’s been years

(just a fictional writing, based from a friend’s story)

I could be wrapped around your arms again, but it’s no longer my comfort
You could kiss me a hundred times once more, but your lips won’t taste the same
I could talk to you for hours but we won’t connect like we used to
It frustrates me to think that the person I want to be with is right in front of me and yet it ain’t him… It ain’t YOU, I mean you used to, but you’re not the you that I knew. I’m stuck loving, missing and longing for the YOU that gave me everything that I never wanted but needed anyways. The YOU who put my guards down and convinced me that it’s okay to open myself up. The YOU who showed me what contentment is and how special I could ever be.

 

It’s been years and I haven’t thought of you for quite a while. We became friends and I thought it’s a good closure, a proof that am okay and am no longer affected by you. For years, I made myself believe that, and believe me, I was fooled by that too.. I’ve tried moving forward, meeting people and making new connections for a new flame. I’ve been hurt and heartbroken by some which again made me believe I was over you cause I’ve got something new to mend my heart with.. You saw me cry over some guys, and comfort me as if you weren’t once the reason I cried for months.. I was good. Am cool with everything.

 

It’s been years and things have changed. Those years have taught me how to get back to the old me who doesn’t depend on anybody. Who doesn’t open her doors for those who tries to invade. The me who could go on with her life with just ME. It’s liberating. It’s somehow a freedom. But not from you. People might think it’s pathetic. Science have also proven that it only takes months to get over something. But it’s been like, what? almost four years now, and I still write stuffs about you.. You still have a portion in my heart and mind that may remain inactive for so long but suddenly triggers hard enough to make me cry whenever I think about the years I’ve spent with you.

 

On the other hand, I realized, it’s not really you that I missed. Well given the fact that you always suddenly pops up in my mind. But the real deal is that, I miss myself, my OLD self when am with you. I miss the cheerful me who easily gets happy with the small efforts that you do. The ME who always gets things done coz I know you got my back and I got you to support me all the way. I miss the me who always finds joy in cooking coz I know you’ll finish everything in your plate coz you love it. The me that cannot stay frowning or disappointed over work and family problems coz you’re there to cheer me up and hug my tears away. The me who learned how to open things up to you coz you don’t want me carrying my baggage all by myself.The me that used to not care about my figure and the way I look in the morning cause I know I would still get cuddles and kisses and words of appreciation from you. I just missed myself that had gotten away with you when we fell apart.

 

It’s the things that we missed that makes us not forget how painful it is to lose ourselves along the process of loving someone.