I’m tired. So tired of breathing.
Waking up so purposeless as if living is only an obligation I have to keep up with.
Working my ass up to earn so little satisfying a portion of what I thought is making me temporarily happy. Forcing to cherish lil victories of hardship which I never enjoyed making. Though I learned a lot yet this learning doesn’t exactly fill my thirst for the wisdom i yearned to have.
I may be considered one damn lucky ungrateful bitch, having the life which some may be wishing. Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful. I pray and talk to HIM filled with gratitude with the life that I have. The life I don’t deserve yet is granted to me with extras I don’t want yet need anyway.
But despite of being so blessed, all I could do is sigh the shit out of my self thinking “This ain’t the life I want.” For years I’ve been living in the shadows of what THEY think is good for me. What THEY know will make my life better. Which made me grow up always thinking what is beneficiary for THEM. I settled for what’s convenient instead of the things that truly satisfy my soul and my desires. I live the life of considering what others might say, and I learned the hacks of avoiding such circumstances where I have to explain myself to anyone.
All this time, I’m used of wearing the disguise of mediocrity on which it has slowly sink into my skin gradually losing my very own skin which am comfortable with. I’m becoming so good flashing remarkable smiles of happiness, glowing on someone else’s light while my own light is dying inside of me, embraced by the cold of darkness which has become my new comfort.
I’m empty. I joyfully lived my life which has been dead for a long time now.
I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of working for to repay the goodness people have done for me which I never really ask for.
I never ask for this life, yet am given.
I just wanna stop thinking, worrying and… living.
I just want everything to stop.
Cause nothing of me is left. I have nothing to offer.