Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

It’s been years

(just a fictional writing, based from a friend’s story)

I could be wrapped around your arms again, but it’s no longer my comfort
You could kiss me a hundred times once more, but your lips won’t taste the same
I could talk to you for hours but we won’t connect like we used to
It frustrates me to think that the person I want to be with is right in front of me and yet it ain’t him… It ain’t YOU, I mean you used to, but you’re not the you that I knew. I’m stuck loving, missing and longing for the YOU that gave me everything that I never wanted but needed anyways. The YOU who put my guards down and convinced me that it’s okay to open myself up. The YOU who showed me what contentment is and how special I could ever be.

 

It’s been years and I haven’t thought of you for quite a while. We became friends and I thought it’s a good closure, a proof that am okay and am no longer affected by you. For years, I made myself believe that, and believe me, I was fooled by that too.. I’ve tried moving forward, meeting people and making new connections for a new flame. I’ve been hurt and heartbroken by some which again made me believe I was over you cause I’ve got something new to mend my heart with.. You saw me cry over some guys, and comfort me as if you weren’t once the reason I cried for months.. I was good. Am cool with everything.

 

It’s been years and things have changed. Those years have taught me how to get back to the old me who doesn’t depend on anybody. Who doesn’t open her doors for those who tries to invade. The me who could go on with her life with just ME. It’s liberating. It’s somehow a freedom. But not from you. People might think it’s pathetic. Science have also proven that it only takes months to get over something. But it’s been like, what? almost four years now, and I still write stuffs about you.. You still have a portion in my heart and mind that may remain inactive for so long but suddenly triggers hard enough to make me cry whenever I think about the years I’ve spent with you.

 

On the other hand, I realized, it’s not really you that I missed. Well given the fact that you always suddenly pops up in my mind. But the real deal is that, I miss myself, my OLD self when am with you. I miss the cheerful me who easily gets happy with the small efforts that you do. The ME who always gets things done coz I know you got my back and I got you to support me all the way. I miss the me who always finds joy in cooking coz I know you’ll finish everything in your plate coz you love it. The me that cannot stay frowning or disappointed over work and family problems coz you’re there to cheer me up and hug my tears away. The me who learned how to open things up to you coz you don’t want me carrying my baggage all by myself.The me that used to not care about my figure and the way I look in the morning cause I know I would still get cuddles and kisses and words of appreciation from you. I just missed myself that had gotten away with you when we fell apart.

 

It’s the things that we missed that makes us not forget how painful it is to lose ourselves along the process of loving someone.