An Open Letter to the Girl I Used to Know

Let this be the last time I will write about you. I strongly wish I could swear that. You are the last string attached to my past which I long to get rid of for quite some time now. Yet I continuously battle to keep you all these years for I thought you are different. I thought you are worth it.

But I guess what I’ve always been thinking was as untrue as the bond of friendship you said you had with me. Regardless of our shortcomings and the dispute we always have, we manage to get back together coz we thought we’re inseparable. That we could be against all odds and our friendship is stronger than any challenge that may face us.

Yet again, I was wrong. I have seen the worst in you with the way you treat others behind their backs. You’re such a sweet thing and your charms could attract any individual who comes your way. Even I was captivated with how smart you talk which can make anyone believe every word you say. I admire you for that with all honesty. Nevertheless, that same attribute of yours deceived me in believing that I was with a good and trustworthy company.

Your actions and badmouthing towards others grow my fears that one day I might be in their shoes, taking all your dramas, being misunderstood by others because you tell them stories of you being victimized by every individual that does not please you. Not even once have I heard you that you’re at fault with all your misfortunes. It’s always somebody else’s fault. You feed me with stories of people mistreating you, aggravating you, oppressing you or stories that could simply tell how horrible of a person they are. However, as time pass by I have come to realized that all these words coming out of your mouth are only a reflection of what you really are, or should I say what you have become.

Still, I held on. I set these thoughts aside for a moment because my love for you was stronger than all my fears. You are a sister to me and I can’t easily give up on that.

Ironically, you are as good at drawing people away from you just as how good you are in luring them in. Sometimes you do not recognize the care and concern of others towards you, because you were blinded by your judgements and negative presumptions of people’s intentions.

You always say I am selfish, I am insensitive, stubborn and inconsiderate of others’ feelings. You’re slapping me with all my flaws whenever you have a chance thinking that it is a gesture of concern. And I accepted that for I though it’s pure only to find out in the end that all these were intended to conceal your own insecurities. You clearly know how I value my privacy and how secluded of a person I am, but you’re like a time bomb that explodes all of a sudden who uses all my enigmas and fears against me. It’s all true that not everyone you cherish, cherishes you back.

Despite all these, I will try with all my might to only think of the good things I’ve had with you when people speak about you. I won’t waste even a minuscule of my time and efforts telling everyone how atrocious you’ve become just to gain their sympathy. I would burn our bridges in the most silent way I could so as not to make your image anymore pitiful than it already is. I won’t go down your level and do the things you do towards me for vengeance because in the end, what dominates my heart is the memory of the “BESTEST FRIEND” I used to know. Even it has to come on its tragic and most awful ending, I’d always value and give the respect due in our friendship whether you’re deserving or not.

I hope time will come, you’ll get to your senses and ponder if the people who left you are really the ones to blame. With all sincerity, I wish you genuine happiness and may you find peace in your heart with the new people you’ll meet. May you also find another friend who won’t give up on you like I do. I apologize if I could no longer tolerate and stay by your side like I did throughout these years. Sorry if this time, I will give myself a chance to heal. Remember, you’re still a good person, you are beautiful no matter what. Please don’t be blinded and clouded by the negativity you’re living with just as how am continuously battling with mine. Worry not, for your secrets are safe with me forever. Thank you for the roller coaster ride. May we both forget the pain that this journey had caused us in time. SAYONARA!

 

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Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?