Rebirth

I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.

Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.

I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.

A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.

He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.

These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.

This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.

It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.

Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.

And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)

 

Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

SOMEONE

I am flawed and sometimes insecurity strikes me and I accept that part of myself. I’m an epitome of madness, irony and unpredictability but I learned to deal with that even if sometimes I get stuck in confusion.. I’m beautiful despite of judgmental eyes around me and am pretty much aware of that.. I could pay my bills, eat a sumptuous meal in any resto in town, have a trip and go shopping at my own expense all by myself and enjoy every minute of it.. I can break, get hurt, feel down and stood up after a tiring night of heavy cries and wake up smiling while telling myself “life goes on.”

 

I can do pretty much everything on my own. Like I was born to be living this way and I have no complains with that. I have been self sufficient even at a young age, in school, at home, at work almost anytime… anywhere.

 

But when you once felt how it is like to be with someone or having someone to share anything in you life with, that’s the time you somehow feel doubting your so-called “self-sufficiency.”

Makes you think:

 

* It’s not that bad, having someone who weirdly loves your flaws. Squeeze in every fat in you like its a fluffy ball of happiness. See you with no makeup, your hair all messed-up with your loose ragged shirt from the other day and still thinks you’re the most beautiful creature ever created (aside from his mother). Letting you forget that the word “insecurity” ever existed.

* How comforting its is having someone patiently stays with you while throwing your big tantrums and your nerve wrecking emotional episodes. Who sees your unpredictable personality a challenge and not a reason to walk away. That even at the toughest and craziest day of yours, he’ll just wrap you around his arms until all the stir-ups melt away.

* You’re miss independent yet you’re being spoiled with the little efforts and thoughtful act of someone who cares. Buying you presents which you don’t necessarily need but he thinks you deserve coz you work so hard. Surprising you with a movie date, a cozy dinner at a nearby food cart and long walk home. Picks you up from work whenever he can even if you could walk yourself home coz for him, every second spent with you is what makes him happy.

* How nice it is having a someone whom you could share your secrets with, you could laugh with, cry with and someone whom you could be weird with. Where you could be yourself anytime of the day without minding what he might think of you after you farted so loud beside him. How you could dance your insanely dope moves and joins with you reluctantly. How you could cry your f’ing ass out when you felt tired from all the pressures at work and bring you ice cream after just to make your day.

 

We could try to be the most independent person that we are and survive everyday of our lives, but honestly, it is so much nicer, lighter, comforting and somehow…

happier…abrac3a7-ombraweb.jpg

having someone you could share your whole life with especially without the fear of being left alone back to the usual “independent” you =). It takes time. It may come and go. But the mere thought of it gives you the slightest hope that maybe, sometime, somewhere in you destined fate, you may meet someone who will make you realize that having someone is not a bad idea at all.

PART1: First Phase

All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.

I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.

I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.

I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.

Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA). 

Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.

But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.

It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated  for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.

My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.

Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.

Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.

” TO BE CONTINUED *