Labi

sa tuwing mag-aaway kayo
sana maisip mo ako
maalala aking pagdududa
sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo
 
kapag sinigawan ka nya
boses ko ba’y matunog pa?
nanginginig sa galit sa pagdidiin
ng mga kasalanang tinatanggi mo pa
 
sa tuwing iiyak sya
alalahanin mo’ng aking mata
maga sa rumaragasang luha
tuwing nanaisin kong humiwalay na
 
kapag yumakap sya
dama mo pa ba?
mga kamay kong nakabalot sayo
sa tuwing sasabihin mong “Patawad na.”
 
sa bawat halik nyo sa isat isa
malasahan mo pa rin sana
mga labi kong walang ibang sinambit noon
kung hindi “Mahal pa rin kita.”
 
at ngayong nakangiti ka na
masayang masaya sa piling nya
iwan mo ang lahat ng aking bakas
pagkat tanggap ko, ito na ang wakas.

Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

Emotions

Emotions are controlled they say.
And I’d like to believe that in some way.
The rage of anger, the attack of fear
Outbursting joy, and endless tears
But how could you contain such force
That somehow needs be released
which demanded so loudly to be felt and..
requires acknowledgment at least
Who would want to keep the joy
that a soul’s been longing for?
Or pull back the pain that pours down
from the eyes that’re tired once more?
How can you stop the fury
That you’ve been battling within you?
When your sanity is the price
if it ain’t set loose on due
Would you just ignore the terror
that haunts you everyday?
Left you in turmoil with sleepless night
Do you think that’s just okay?
As much as we would like to believe
that emotions could be controlled
there are things that are inevitable
and deserves to be unfold.

It’s been years

(just a fictional writing, based from a friend’s story)

I could be wrapped around your arms again, but it’s no longer my comfort
You could kiss me a hundred times once more, but your lips won’t taste the same
I could talk to you for hours but we won’t connect like we used to
It frustrates me to think that the person I want to be with is right in front of me and yet it ain’t him… It ain’t YOU, I mean you used to, but you’re not the you that I knew. I’m stuck loving, missing and longing for the YOU that gave me everything that I never wanted but needed anyways. The YOU who put my guards down and convinced me that it’s okay to open myself up. The YOU who showed me what contentment is and how special I could ever be.

 

It’s been years and I haven’t thought of you for quite a while. We became friends and I thought it’s a good closure, a proof that am okay and am no longer affected by you. For years, I made myself believe that, and believe me, I was fooled by that too.. I’ve tried moving forward, meeting people and making new connections for a new flame. I’ve been hurt and heartbroken by some which again made me believe I was over you cause I’ve got something new to mend my heart with.. You saw me cry over some guys, and comfort me as if you weren’t once the reason I cried for months.. I was good. Am cool with everything.

 

It’s been years and things have changed. Those years have taught me how to get back to the old me who doesn’t depend on anybody. Who doesn’t open her doors for those who tries to invade. The me who could go on with her life with just ME. It’s liberating. It’s somehow a freedom. But not from you. People might think it’s pathetic. Science have also proven that it only takes months to get over something. But it’s been like, what? almost four years now, and I still write stuffs about you.. You still have a portion in my heart and mind that may remain inactive for so long but suddenly triggers hard enough to make me cry whenever I think about the years I’ve spent with you.

 

On the other hand, I realized, it’s not really you that I missed. Well given the fact that you always suddenly pops up in my mind. But the real deal is that, I miss myself, my OLD self when am with you. I miss the cheerful me who easily gets happy with the small efforts that you do. The ME who always gets things done coz I know you got my back and I got you to support me all the way. I miss the me who always finds joy in cooking coz I know you’ll finish everything in your plate coz you love it. The me that cannot stay frowning or disappointed over work and family problems coz you’re there to cheer me up and hug my tears away. The me who learned how to open things up to you coz you don’t want me carrying my baggage all by myself.The me that used to not care about my figure and the way I look in the morning cause I know I would still get cuddles and kisses and words of appreciation from you. I just missed myself that had gotten away with you when we fell apart.

 

It’s the things that we missed that makes us not forget how painful it is to lose ourselves along the process of loving someone.

PART1: First Phase

All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.

I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.

I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.

I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.

Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA). 

Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.

But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.

It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated  for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.

My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.

Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.

Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.

” TO BE CONTINUED *

Why “SHE” Won’t Commit

Been a while, and due to a friend’s request, I’d be listing some of the reasons why us ladies don’t want a commitment. This is with all fairness to my previous post Men’s Reasons (EXCUSES) for not wanting a Relationship With You.

Women are known for being fickle-minded, moody and choosy. But hey! These aren’t the only reasons why we don’t want to commit. Here’s a list of the few reasons I know:

1. Just enjoying the single life.

It’s not that she doesn’t like you or find you not so interesting. She might be enjoying your company so much but that’s not enough reason for her to let go of her singleness There are women who enjoys having no strings attached and contented with their life alone.

2. She’s literally NOT ready.

This is the most common reason why she won’t commit. This may be due to recent heartbreaks or being fed up with past relationships that don’t work. There may come someone who could mend the wounds of a broken heart but it couldn’t be the best solution to recompose oneself. Only time could do the trick 😉

3. She couldn’t decide.

Oh well, this goes to women with a pool of suitors lining up to win their hearts. There are just a lot of men with various good qualities and she want’s to make sure she gets to choose the best of them all. Just like that.

4. She knows too well

Being through a lot of heart aches makes some women cautious with every decisions they made. She might be through with the moving on stage and finally mingling with the opposite sex just like the old times but she’s too analytic and observant with all the pros and cons if ever she’ll enter another chapter of being in a relationship. Her instincts just know when it’ll work or not.

5. She’s contented with the way things are between you

Woah! You might just been put in the “friendzone” (HAHAHA, kidding!) or she’s just happy with how things are going on between the two of you. It might be because she’s afraid that when you put your “thing” in the next level, something  might change which obviously she doesn’t want to happen. So instead she preserve everything by not committing with you. Sad aye? But, look at the bright side. She just want to keep you longer than a relationship could offer.

6. Picky! Picky! Picky!

Yeah! She’s just too picky! She likes you but she wants a handsome one. You’re handsome yet she’s longing for a sweeter one. She just can’t get enough. She wants an actual prince charming that only fairy tales have! The ideal guy that would sweep her off her feet. (Who’s unfortunately doesn’t exist.) Poor thang -____-

7. She wants a “SHE”

Oh! The bomb has just been dropped! She ain’t up for a boyfriend or a husband. Maybe she’s fed up with guys so you probably know what I mean. SADBOYS! HAHAHA

8. She’s waiting for someone else

This seems to be a painful reality. That some women won’t make themselves available for a new flame just because they have been patiently waiting for a “lucky” guy to commit to them. They’re patient enough to endure the burden of waiting and waiting until that guy is ready to be taken by her (which in most cases doesn’t really happen).

There you go! These are only a few of the reasons which I personally know. Women are complicated by nature but when they love, it’s deep, pure and true. If you could notice, some of the reasons why SHE won’t commit is due to heart breaks and previously failed relationship. When something so fragile was broken, it’s really hard to bounce back to how it was before. I’m not saying us girls are the only ones who suffer pain in loving.

We’re all equal in love but accept it or not, we’re emotionally weak compared to guys so pain changes us in a way that sometimes hold us back from trusting and welcoming someone new in our lives.

Bottom line, we all have our own reasons why we don’t want to commit. It’s better to settle or overcome all these reasons before entering a state that requires sharing ourselves to someone that we might be with for the rest of our lives.

BitterSweet LOVE

♪♫ Why do we always hurt the ones we love. Why? ♫♪

A line from a song that always plays in my mind whenever I felt a sudden sting of loneliness within me. So again, why do hurt the ones we love?

Good thing if the one hurting you really loves you. At least you have the slightest reason to believe that maybe, he/she has just made a terrible mistake for bringing you pain and that love will eventually made him/her realize what he/she has done and will make it up to you. IDEAL setup aye?

But worst things worst, what if the person that brings you endless pain doesn’t feel even the tiniest bit of love for you? As if you’re no human entitled to feel the agony of every stitches and burn.

To where would you put yourself when the only paradise you believe in is within the hell that person builds around your world? Would you free yourself from imprisonment by the hope you hold on to that one day everything will be fine and that eventually all your sacrifices and felt pain will pay off and do you well?

Why do we all love to endure pain caused by people unworthy of the sanity that’s left in us?

HUMAN nature you may say. A cycle of never ending karma where the culprit is being betrayed by an Angel making the Angel the new culprit and so on and so forth

See how love, makes everybody mad almost about everything. Funny how this four-letter word could change a good heart to a hateful and destructive one.

Revenge was made known all because of LOVE.

When there’s LOVE there comes HATE.

When there’s LOVE there’s PAIN and SACRIFICES.

How come something so beautiful as LOVE has become the root of most evil life could offer us.

Yet we still longed for it, we still wanna feel it, we still search and fight for it. It has been considered one of the most powerful thing that revolves around everyone’s life.

How lovely it is to felt such wonderful feeling of Love without experiencing the hurtful stuffs that comes along with it.