An Open Letter to the Girl I Used to Know

Let this be the last time I will write about you. I strongly wish I could swear that. You are the last string attached to my past which I long to get rid of for quite some time now. Yet I continuously battle to keep you all these years for I thought you are different. I thought you are worth it.

But I guess what I’ve always been thinking was as untrue as the bond of friendship you said you had with me. Regardless of our shortcomings and the dispute we always have, we manage to get back together coz we thought we’re inseparable. That we could be against all odds and our friendship is stronger than any challenge that may face us.

Yet again, I was wrong. I have seen the worst in you with the way you treat others behind their backs. You’re such a sweet thing and your charms could attract any individual who comes your way. Even I was captivated with how smart you talk which can make anyone believe every word you say. I admire you for that with all honesty. Nevertheless, that same attribute of yours deceived me in believing that I was with a good and trustworthy company.

Your actions and badmouthing towards others grow my fears that one day I might be in their shoes, taking all your dramas, being misunderstood by others because you tell them stories of you being victimized by every individual that does not please you. Not even once have I heard you that you’re at fault with all your misfortunes. It’s always somebody else’s fault. You feed me with stories of people mistreating you, aggravating you, oppressing you or stories that could simply tell how horrible of a person they are. However, as time pass by I have come to realized that all these words coming out of your mouth are only a reflection of what you really are, or should I say what you have become.

Still, I held on. I set these thoughts aside for a moment because my love for you was stronger than all my fears. You are a sister to me and I can’t easily give up on that.

Ironically, you are as good at drawing people away from you just as how good you are in luring them in. Sometimes you do not recognize the care and concern of others towards you, because you were blinded by your judgements and negative presumptions of people’s intentions.

You always say I am selfish, I am insensitive, stubborn and inconsiderate of others’ feelings. You’re slapping me with all my flaws whenever you have a chance thinking that it is a gesture of concern. And I accepted that for I though it’s pure only to find out in the end that all these were intended to conceal your own insecurities. You clearly know how I value my privacy and how secluded of a person I am, but you’re like a time bomb that explodes all of a sudden who uses all my enigmas and fears against me. It’s all true that not everyone you cherish, cherishes you back.

Despite all these, I will try with all my might to only think of the good things I’ve had with you when people speak about you. I won’t waste even a minuscule of my time and efforts telling everyone how atrocious you’ve become just to gain their sympathy. I would burn our bridges in the most silent way I could so as not to make your image anymore pitiful than it already is. I won’t go down your level and do the things you do towards me for vengeance because in the end, what dominates my heart is the memory of the “BESTEST FRIEND” I used to know. Even it has to come on its tragic and most awful ending, I’d always value and give the respect due in our friendship whether you’re deserving or not.

I hope time will come, you’ll get to your senses and ponder if the people who left you are really the ones to blame. With all sincerity, I wish you genuine happiness and may you find peace in your heart with the new people you’ll meet. May you also find another friend who won’t give up on you like I do. I apologize if I could no longer tolerate and stay by your side like I did throughout these years. Sorry if this time, I will give myself a chance to heal. Remember, you’re still a good person, you are beautiful no matter what. Please don’t be blinded and clouded by the negativity you’re living with just as how am continuously battling with mine. Worry not, for your secrets are safe with me forever. Thank you for the roller coaster ride. May we both forget the pain that this journey had caused us in time. SAYONARA!

 

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Labi

sa tuwing mag-aaway kayo
sana maisip mo ako
maalala aking pagdududa
sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo
 
kapag sinigawan ka nya
boses ko ba’y matunog pa?
nanginginig sa galit sa pagdidiin
ng mga kasalanang tinatanggi mo pa
 
sa tuwing iiyak sya
alalahanin mo’ng aking mata
maga sa rumaragasang luha
tuwing nanaisin kong humiwalay na
 
kapag yumakap sya
dama mo pa ba?
mga kamay kong nakabalot sayo
sa tuwing sasabihin mong “Patawad na.”
 
sa bawat halik nyo sa isat isa
malasahan mo pa rin sana
mga labi kong walang ibang sinambit noon
kung hindi “Mahal pa rin kita.”
 
at ngayong nakangiti ka na
masayang masaya sa piling nya
iwan mo ang lahat ng aking bakas
pagkat tanggap ko, ito na ang wakas.

SOMEONE

I am flawed and sometimes insecurity strikes me and I accept that part of myself. I’m an epitome of madness, irony and unpredictability but I learned to deal with that even if sometimes I get stuck in confusion.. I’m beautiful despite of judgmental eyes around me and am pretty much aware of that.. I could pay my bills, eat a sumptuous meal in any resto in town, have a trip and go shopping at my own expense all by myself and enjoy every minute of it.. I can break, get hurt, feel down and stood up after a tiring night of heavy cries and wake up smiling while telling myself “life goes on.”

 

I can do pretty much everything on my own. Like I was born to be living this way and I have no complains with that. I have been self sufficient even at a young age, in school, at home, at work almost anytime… anywhere.

 

But when you once felt how it is like to be with someone or having someone to share anything in you life with, that’s the time you somehow feel doubting your so-called “self-sufficiency.”

Makes you think:

 

* It’s not that bad, having someone who weirdly loves your flaws. Squeeze in every fat in you like its a fluffy ball of happiness. See you with no makeup, your hair all messed-up with your loose ragged shirt from the other day and still thinks you’re the most beautiful creature ever created (aside from his mother). Letting you forget that the word “insecurity” ever existed.

* How comforting its is having someone patiently stays with you while throwing your big tantrums and your nerve wrecking emotional episodes. Who sees your unpredictable personality a challenge and not a reason to walk away. That even at the toughest and craziest day of yours, he’ll just wrap you around his arms until all the stir-ups melt away.

* You’re miss independent yet you’re being spoiled with the little efforts and thoughtful act of someone who cares. Buying you presents which you don’t necessarily need but he thinks you deserve coz you work so hard. Surprising you with a movie date, a cozy dinner at a nearby food cart and long walk home. Picks you up from work whenever he can even if you could walk yourself home coz for him, every second spent with you is what makes him happy.

* How nice it is having a someone whom you could share your secrets with, you could laugh with, cry with and someone whom you could be weird with. Where you could be yourself anytime of the day without minding what he might think of you after you farted so loud beside him. How you could dance your insanely dope moves and joins with you reluctantly. How you could cry your f’ing ass out when you felt tired from all the pressures at work and bring you ice cream after just to make your day.

 

We could try to be the most independent person that we are and survive everyday of our lives, but honestly, it is so much nicer, lighter, comforting and somehow…

happier…abrac3a7-ombraweb.jpg

having someone you could share your whole life with especially without the fear of being left alone back to the usual “independent” you =). It takes time. It may come and go. But the mere thought of it gives you the slightest hope that maybe, sometime, somewhere in you destined fate, you may meet someone who will make you realize that having someone is not a bad idea at all.

It’s been years

(just a fictional writing, based from a friend’s story)

I could be wrapped around your arms again, but it’s no longer my comfort
You could kiss me a hundred times once more, but your lips won’t taste the same
I could talk to you for hours but we won’t connect like we used to
It frustrates me to think that the person I want to be with is right in front of me and yet it ain’t him… It ain’t YOU, I mean you used to, but you’re not the you that I knew. I’m stuck loving, missing and longing for the YOU that gave me everything that I never wanted but needed anyways. The YOU who put my guards down and convinced me that it’s okay to open myself up. The YOU who showed me what contentment is and how special I could ever be.

 

It’s been years and I haven’t thought of you for quite a while. We became friends and I thought it’s a good closure, a proof that am okay and am no longer affected by you. For years, I made myself believe that, and believe me, I was fooled by that too.. I’ve tried moving forward, meeting people and making new connections for a new flame. I’ve been hurt and heartbroken by some which again made me believe I was over you cause I’ve got something new to mend my heart with.. You saw me cry over some guys, and comfort me as if you weren’t once the reason I cried for months.. I was good. Am cool with everything.

 

It’s been years and things have changed. Those years have taught me how to get back to the old me who doesn’t depend on anybody. Who doesn’t open her doors for those who tries to invade. The me who could go on with her life with just ME. It’s liberating. It’s somehow a freedom. But not from you. People might think it’s pathetic. Science have also proven that it only takes months to get over something. But it’s been like, what? almost four years now, and I still write stuffs about you.. You still have a portion in my heart and mind that may remain inactive for so long but suddenly triggers hard enough to make me cry whenever I think about the years I’ve spent with you.

 

On the other hand, I realized, it’s not really you that I missed. Well given the fact that you always suddenly pops up in my mind. But the real deal is that, I miss myself, my OLD self when am with you. I miss the cheerful me who easily gets happy with the small efforts that you do. The ME who always gets things done coz I know you got my back and I got you to support me all the way. I miss the me who always finds joy in cooking coz I know you’ll finish everything in your plate coz you love it. The me that cannot stay frowning or disappointed over work and family problems coz you’re there to cheer me up and hug my tears away. The me who learned how to open things up to you coz you don’t want me carrying my baggage all by myself.The me that used to not care about my figure and the way I look in the morning cause I know I would still get cuddles and kisses and words of appreciation from you. I just missed myself that had gotten away with you when we fell apart.

 

It’s the things that we missed that makes us not forget how painful it is to lose ourselves along the process of loving someone.

PART1: First Phase

All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.

I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.

I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.

I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.

Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA). 

Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.

But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.

It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated  for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.

My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.

Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.

Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.

” TO BE CONTINUED *

BitterSweet LOVE

♪♫ Why do we always hurt the ones we love. Why? ♫♪

A line from a song that always plays in my mind whenever I felt a sudden sting of loneliness within me. So again, why do hurt the ones we love?

Good thing if the one hurting you really loves you. At least you have the slightest reason to believe that maybe, he/she has just made a terrible mistake for bringing you pain and that love will eventually made him/her realize what he/she has done and will make it up to you. IDEAL setup aye?

But worst things worst, what if the person that brings you endless pain doesn’t feel even the tiniest bit of love for you? As if you’re no human entitled to feel the agony of every stitches and burn.

To where would you put yourself when the only paradise you believe in is within the hell that person builds around your world? Would you free yourself from imprisonment by the hope you hold on to that one day everything will be fine and that eventually all your sacrifices and felt pain will pay off and do you well?

Why do we all love to endure pain caused by people unworthy of the sanity that’s left in us?

HUMAN nature you may say. A cycle of never ending karma where the culprit is being betrayed by an Angel making the Angel the new culprit and so on and so forth

See how love, makes everybody mad almost about everything. Funny how this four-letter word could change a good heart to a hateful and destructive one.

Revenge was made known all because of LOVE.

When there’s LOVE there comes HATE.

When there’s LOVE there’s PAIN and SACRIFICES.

How come something so beautiful as LOVE has become the root of most evil life could offer us.

Yet we still longed for it, we still wanna feel it, we still search and fight for it. It has been considered one of the most powerful thing that revolves around everyone’s life.

How lovely it is to felt such wonderful feeling of Love without experiencing the hurtful stuffs that comes along with it.