I am flawed and sometimes insecurity strikes me and I accept that part of myself. I’m an epitome of madness, irony and unpredictability but I learned to deal with that even if sometimes I get stuck in confusion.. I’m beautiful despite of judgmental eyes around me and am pretty much aware of that.. I could pay my bills, eat a sumptuous meal in any resto in town, have a trip and go shopping at my own expense all by myself and enjoy every minute of it.. I can break, get hurt, feel down and stood up after a tiring night of heavy cries and wake up smiling while telling myself “life goes on.”
I can do pretty much everything on my own. Like I was born to be living this way and I have no complains with that. I have been self sufficient even at a young age, in school, at home, at work almost anytime… anywhere.
But when you once felt how it is like to be with someone or having someone to share anything in you life with, that’s the time you somehow feel doubting your so-called “self-sufficiency.”
Makes you think:
* It’s not that bad, having someone who weirdly loves your flaws. Squeeze in every fat in you like its a fluffy ball of happiness. See you with no makeup, your hair all messed-up with your loose ragged shirt from the other day and still thinks you’re the most beautiful creature ever created (aside from his mother). Letting you forget that the word “insecurity” ever existed.
* How comforting its is having someone patiently stays with you while throwing your big tantrums and your nerve wrecking emotional episodes. Who sees your unpredictable personality a challenge and not a reason to walk away. That even at the toughest and craziest day of yours, he’ll just wrap you around his arms until all the stir-ups melt away.
* You’re miss independent yet you’re being spoiled with the little efforts and thoughtful act of someone who cares. Buying you presents which you don’t necessarily need but he thinks you deserve coz you work so hard. Surprising you with a movie date, a cozy dinner at a nearby food cart and long walk home. Picks you up from work whenever he can even if you could walk yourself home coz for him, every second spent with you is what makes him happy.
* How nice it is having a someone whom you could share your secrets with, you could laugh with, cry with and someone whom you could be weird with. Where you could be yourself anytime of the day without minding what he might think of you after you farted so loud beside him. How you could dance your insanely dope moves and joins with you reluctantly. How you could cry your f’ing ass out when you felt tired from all the pressures at work and bring you ice cream after just to make your day.
We could try to be the most independent person that we are and survive everyday of our lives, but honestly, it is so much nicer, lighter, comforting and somehow…
having someone you could share your whole life with especially without the fear of being left alone back to the usual “independent” you =). It takes time. It may come and go. But the mere thought of it gives you the slightest hope that maybe, sometime, somewhere in you destined fate, you may meet someone who will make you realize that having someone is not a bad idea at all.
It’s the things that we missed that makes us not forget how painful it is to lose ourselves along the process of loving someone.
All of us have lost someone at some point in our lives. It is painful and heartbreaking most of the time and it somehow leave scars which reminds us of the things we’ve been throughout the process of healing.
I’ve been hurt a couple of times. Left hanging and broken. Several days I have been crying for lame reasons, undeserving people and self inflicted emotional pain.
I am fond of reminiscing the things that wounded me. Making those memories constant reminders of the past which I don’t want to go back to.
I have dated few guys back in high school, usually lasted months but I couldn’t say I have fallen for any of them. The only one which really swept me off my feet and whom I love unconditionally was my first and last college boyfriend, Dino (not his real name). He was never my type. He’s a good looking guy with a nice physique. He’s a good talker too which is why there’s no doubt most girls would definitely like him in an instant.
Well back in those days, I was just a simple nobody who had a long distance relationship with someone whom I haven’t even met. Someone was also trying to court me that time patiently waiting for me and my guy to break up. To make the long story short, something went wrong with the two other guys, and Dino just popped up in my life trying to get me from the two (I know -__-. You may ask what potion I used, but darn! I don’t know what’s happening too. HAHA).
Just because I want to escape from the mess I made in choosing between my wooer or my “virtual” boyfriend, I decided to go with Dino and yea, the rest was history. It may sound unbelievable, despite of his good looks and charismatic personality, Dino is the exact opposite of what I want in a guy, but it is what it is. I fell for that guy. I fell so hard that after months realizing how he made me feel, I just found myself crying, thanking God for giving me someone like him. For making me feel so special and loved. For giving me someone I can open myself with, without any judgments and for loving my flaws and imperfections.
But as always, life fucks us all. After 5 years of being together through the ups and lowest downs, we broke up. First time in my life I ever felt so devastated and worthless. Thinking “Why am I not enough, when I have given my all?” My first true heartbreak, the lost of my first true love.
It took me years to completely let go of that agonizing pain. In those years, I have met some guys and dated for a while, but I only find myself coming back to my nightmares. The past holds me back from opening my heart entirely for a new flame or possibilities of a better relationship. I always think that none of these will ever work coz’ eventually they’ll all leave you in search for something far better than what they’ve got from you.
My friends say, I am just being pessimistic about all these but, hello?! That’s reality. People never gets contented. All of these conclusions and assumptions I have in mind are all product of experiences and stories from the people I know. It made me cautious putting my guards always up and firm.
Recently I have opened myself for enjoyment and experience. I have made friends with the opposite sex. Talk about life, shared thoughts and good memories. There are times where I often get to an “almost lovers” status but I immediately put off the flame.
Until this one of a kind relationship was made experienced by me. Not in my wildest dreams have I thought of being in this situation, but as I have said, LIFE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO FUCK US ALL.
” TO BE CONTINUED *
♪♫ Why do we always hurt the ones we love. Why? ♫♪
A line from a song that always plays in my mind whenever I felt a sudden sting of loneliness within me. So again, why do hurt the ones we love?
Good thing if the one hurting you really loves you. At least you have the slightest reason to believe that maybe, he/she has just made a terrible mistake for bringing you pain and that love will eventually made him/her realize what he/she has done and will make it up to you. IDEAL setup aye?
But worst things worst, what if the person that brings you endless pain doesn’t feel even the tiniest bit of love for you? As if you’re no human entitled to feel the agony of every stitches and burn.
To where would you put yourself when the only paradise you believe in is within the hell that person builds around your world? Would you free yourself from imprisonment by the hope you hold on to that one day everything will be fine and that eventually all your sacrifices and felt pain will pay off and do you well?
Why do we all love to endure pain caused by people unworthy of the sanity that’s left in us?
HUMAN nature you may say. A cycle of never ending karma where the culprit is being betrayed by an Angel making the Angel the new culprit and so on and so forth
See how love, makes everybody mad almost about everything. Funny how this four-letter word could change a good heart to a hateful and destructive one.
Revenge was made known all because of LOVE.
When there’s LOVE there comes HATE.
When there’s LOVE there’s PAIN and SACRIFICES.
How come something so beautiful as LOVE has become the root of most evil life could offer us.
Yet we still longed for it, we still wanna feel it, we still search and fight for it. It has been considered one of the most powerful thing that revolves around everyone’s life.
How lovely it is to felt such wonderful feeling of Love without experiencing the hurtful stuffs that comes along with it.