Rebirth

I have my share of ups and downs. The past months of this year had been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been a mess and throughout the whole thing, I lost myself. Everyday I’m dealing with depression I couldn’t contain and the worst part is I don’t even know where it is rooted. And with that, I have witnessed people I cared for drift out of my life.

Having yourself get lost out of something you don’t know about is extremely insane. There are times you just wanna end things up just to cut the agony of every depressing night you have to surpass.

I had a long distance best friend who had been with me for quite some time. We break and make up but a couple of months ago, the last string attached to us had snapped which ended our more than seven years of friendship. I’ve let go of my very best friend.

A month after, fights and misunderstandings have consumed my relationship with someone who has been very patient with me through it all. I became very sensitive and insensitive all at the same time. I easily get irritated when he’s around and misses him a lot when he’s not. I often ask him to be with me just for company, to dine, to go somewhere or do whatever, but his constant rejection have filled me in ways my sensitivity couldn’t accept. He doesn’t understand why I acted that way and I can’t make him for I don’t understand it myself. So I just get myself detached and just find myself a way to battle this thing on my own. And then he left.

He left with so much assumption in his head not understanding a thing of what’s been happening to me during those times we’re together.

These people walk out of my life without remorse in my heart. There’s no room for any regrets in my part during those times because my depression is blinding me so bad I couldn’t feel a thing.

This detachment from people have given me some time for myself, to be on my own and think things through. At some point I have enjoyed being alone doing things I never could have done without anyone. I tried dining to new resto alone, travelled places (not so far though), watch movies, buy stuffs and a whole lot more without any company and I’ve had fun.

It’s quite a relief that I get to manage my depression better than I have before and somehow I get to appreciate the little things. I get to explore myself further and use art as an outlet of my anxieties. I am really doing better now and finally found self-sufficiency in me.

Though sometimes, I miss them, those people I let go of. Those people I cared about. I miss them during my happy times wishing I could share these moments with them. But they’re long gone and moved on. They probably don’t think about me anymore. Yet I don’t mourn for it. One thing I have learned from this is that if they didn’t stay through your worst time, they may just be some good old memories I could cherish every once in a while. Just memories.

And I could make new ones, new beginnings. And maybe, one day I could be with people who will STAY. =)

 

Labi

sa tuwing mag-aaway kayo
sana maisip mo ako
maalala aking pagdududa
sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo
 
kapag sinigawan ka nya
boses ko ba’y matunog pa?
nanginginig sa galit sa pagdidiin
ng mga kasalanang tinatanggi mo pa
 
sa tuwing iiyak sya
alalahanin mo’ng aking mata
maga sa rumaragasang luha
tuwing nanaisin kong humiwalay na
 
kapag yumakap sya
dama mo pa ba?
mga kamay kong nakabalot sayo
sa tuwing sasabihin mong “Patawad na.”
 
sa bawat halik nyo sa isat isa
malasahan mo pa rin sana
mga labi kong walang ibang sinambit noon
kung hindi “Mahal pa rin kita.”
 
at ngayong nakangiti ka na
masayang masaya sa piling nya
iwan mo ang lahat ng aking bakas
pagkat tanggap ko, ito na ang wakas.

Who’s Next?

forevsThey say in friendship, once you’ve passed the seven year mark, that friendship will last FOREVER.

“Forever”

Seven letters, three syllable word, hoped by some, condemned by many.

A simple word which is trending nowadays especially by Filipinos with the phrase, “WALANG FOREVER!” (there’s no forever).

Bitter it may seem but a lot would agree especially those who have shattered hopes from the promises of forever.

Recently, I have ended an eight-year long friendship I have with my so-called best friend. Going back to my first statement, who did invent this saying anyway?

So as I was saying, my best friend suddenly decided not to give a damn ’bout my existence. Just like that. She got fed up reaching out to me when she needed someone to talk to. For a couple of months I’ve been so hard to communicate with especially through text or chat for I have no time, rather I refuse to make time (not only to her, but with everyone who’s trying to reach me) ‘coz I am too preoccupied by the exhaustion and stress from work and my regular episodes of sadness. I just don’t feel like talking with anyone for quite some time because I am running out of thoughts to say. As if am avoiding contagious disappointments over my unexplainable emotional distress. I tend to spend time alone, doing some boring art stuff which eases my mind for a while.

Art has been my outlet for overflowing thoughts and unspoken feelings and emotions. Despite of my pending backlogs and demands for social interactions, I’d spend most of my time after work in my room, holding my pens, writing or drawing random stuffs, ignoring everything around me including my responsibilities and social life (when I mean social life, this also includes my family, yeah). And this my friends, has caused me my eight-year relationship with my bestfriend.

We used to talk almost every time, about anything, including our problems, dreams, frustrations and even the lives of other people God knows who. We’re so attached that we need each other to vent out the baggages we have in our own personal lives. And the last time she’s badly needing my attention, I’m distant battling my own demons. It’s hard to point fingers whether who’s to blame. Was it I not giving her the attention that she needs when she needed it the most or, her whom after years of friendship, refuses to understand that am simply at a point where I have to deal with my stress and emotional episode for some time alone. Well, I simply took the blame and as a person that I am, I tried persuading her and patiently wait for her to talk to me. A couple of arguments on a few minutes of conversation and I’ve read the most hurtful words I never imagined receiving from someone whom I considered more than just a friend in my life. Those were not cursing or hateful words, but unacceptable false statements which she made herself believe towards her perspective on my friendship with her. And it breaks my heart, BIG TIME! Just like a slap on the face which I definitely don’t deserve. The last thing she said was that she suddenly felt not giving a damn about me and that’s how I decided to slip away. Doing my usual thing of detaching myself from the things/people that pierces me to bits.

Every heartbreak I get reminds me of the first one. Making me think, is the person I am right now, not enough to make the people I cared the most stay in my life? Was I that so difficult to handle for them to simply give up on me? And I just accepted these things with no further explanations making me pistanthrophobic and detached to anyone who tries to come near.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost her. So who’s next?

#Calligraphy_01

1

GOOD MORNING 🙂

Way to start my mornings by having pens in my hand

writing randoms stuffs on my sketch pad’s empty pages..

Wishing more awesome pens, markers and stationery to come on my birthday!

(Tho’ only few knew when.. LOL)

HAPPY FEBRUARY! ❤

Misunderstood

I’m as bitter as coffee, damn so cold as ice
Most think that am naughty, well believe me am nice
I act beyond normal and do as I pleased
but am controlled by my loved ones, am never at ease
 
Most days I’m quiet, I’d never say a word
Locked down on my dungeon, have no one to hold
Got no problems my dear am just used that way
Don’t panic, don’t worry. Rest assured am okay.
 
I do feel depressed, most days of my life
That downing feeling made me hold a knife
However, just like any other, emotions do change
An episode just pass by, that’s just another page
 
When nobody seems to understand me
My anger, fears, sadness and joys are set free
All these are divulge through writing and poems
Words, music, solitude and arts serves as my drones
 
Unpredictable, weird, loner and snob
Just some of the words they think bout you of
Questioning day in and out, and sometimes made you cry
“Is enjoying ones solitude is really some crime?”
 
T’was never easy to be misunderstood
You can’t seem to portray what you really should
At the end of the day, what matter is “YOU”
Don’t care about “them” for you know what’s true

Let Me Take You to The Bright Side

All this time they think they know you

Stab you not just once nor twice

Put all their might just to break you

To see you suffer is their dear prize

While your eyes wide shut form their hatred

They’re covered with impatience for your fall

Harassed with discouragement, left you naked

Cast cursing, loathe around your walls

Just so they know they’re winning

You throw your saving grace

What’s kept inside your flaming heart

Unleashed  on an enlighting fast phase

Forgiveness, understanding and self-control

That’s all what they deserve

For all their hearts covered in envy and scorn

Let salvation run through their nerves

This is for all the people who like to see you down. Don’t let them pull you. Let’s spread our arms and save them from their sorrow 🙂

Emotions

Emotions are controlled they say.
And I’d like to believe that in some way.
The rage of anger, the attack of fear
Outbursting joy, and endless tears
But how could you contain such force
That somehow needs be released
which demanded so loudly to be felt and..
requires acknowledgment at least
Who would want to keep the joy
that a soul’s been longing for?
Or pull back the pain that pours down
from the eyes that’re tired once more?
How can you stop the fury
That you’ve been battling within you?
When your sanity is the price
if it ain’t set loose on due
Would you just ignore the terror
that haunts you everyday?
Left you in turmoil with sleepless night
Do you think that’s just okay?
As much as we would like to believe
that emotions could be controlled
there are things that are inevitable
and deserves to be unfold.